Friday's been a total blur. After sending Joshua to school and then Jared to tuition, I mustered up enough courage to walk over to the condo opposite. Aiya, no need to hide lah.....it's published in NST anyway, Riana Green. My intention was to buy a pack of ciggarettes (yes, I am still on it) and visit my good friend, Sam there. But as it turns out, D, my ex-boyfriend was still there from morning.
The morning that I spoke to him, every single word was forced out of his throat, fighting inconsolable tears. When I saw him and his friends loitering at the block's mezzanine floor, I looked at them without acknowledging them. I was dressed in the worst possible combination of clothes and frankly, I don't want anyone to see me like this. Yet, D noticed me and waved me over. I refused, so, D walked over. After short conversation with D about the situation and his condition, we finally walked over to the block.
My heart was pounding!!!! One part of me didn't want to see anything AT ALL!!!! D assured me that there was nothing to see anymore.
Friends and family (a few) sat there...some on the phone, some in dead silence and some in discussion. ALL with eyes swollen beyond recognition. I was introduced and I said Hi to those I knew.
I asked D where was Alvin's apartment and D said that I could go up. I declined. He asked me if I wanted to see where he fell to. I declined. He said, "You passed it two times since meeting me here already lah. Wanna see or not? There's nothing there already, anyway"
After covering my face with my hands, I noded. He led me there. In respect, he placed his palms together in prayer facing a small lane leading down the condo's carpark. My eyes followed and saw nothing. Oh. Shit.
This is, like, the very lane that I take every time I come to my in-law's house to drop off of pick up kids. Right there. I used to walk this path when Jared attended the kindergarten here. D looked at me as I stared on....he pointed and said, "There, there's still some stain there. That's where his head landed first lor"
Images flashed through my head and I struggled to keep the tears in control as I looked up and started counting to 7th floor. Wah, pretty bloody high for 7 floors, isn't it? Riana's 7th floor is probably equivalent to my condo's 9th or 10th floor.
I kept staring at the little red patch. The lobby and the lane....it's visible from my house. It's visible from the grocery store. It's visible from my piano class. it's visible from the hair salon. It's visible from the BLOODY LOBBY....
My heart lurched to my throat as I struggled to contain my sadness.
When....oh when, am I ever gonna get over this?
But thankfully, I have started working again today.....and have gone outside and driven past the condo without looking for the 7th floor and having flashbacks about Alvin again.
Tomorrow will be even better. In fact, I switched on the radio and heard Shakira and Beyonce's 'Beautiful Liar' and actually danced a little to it.
The process of getting over what Alvin did to himself and the people around him has already begun. It has triggered an old anxiety and panic disorder in me but I am sure I will can keep everything under control again. I hope it won't take too long.
Alvin....you bloody son of a.............shit you lah, rest in bloody peace lah! ALWAYS SO DAMN SMART. ALWAYS SO DAMN FUNNY. NOW, YOU ARE NOT SO FUNNY, YOU KNOW. NOW, you....you......damn it. Why do you have to end your life is the MOST UNFUNNIEST way possible!??
I have been doing this pose, part of Cosmic Dance (a type of yoga, I am assuming), called Stargazer pose without knowing it is called Stargazer's pose a lot in the past. You see, sometimes, I don't follow the rules and come up with my own stretches and poses. It is fun. I have on some music, nice, soothing music or just anything I can click on. Then I go with the flow, letting my hair down. Just moving to the music...and that is when I come up with the above Stargazer's pose. This pose really stretches your sides. Keep your eyes on the outstretched hand if you are keeping it pointed to the top, as if you are waving or connecting to a higher energy from the Universe. Your arms will ache a little but hey, toned arms, here you come! :-) For those who want a bigger stretch, it is safe to slowly and gently move the lifted hand towards your back...don't overdo it, listen to your body's complaints and respect it. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, reme
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Hugssssssss.........
Please keep your bloody windows open for God's sake and get on with your life.
Alvin has chosen this path to walk on and life has to go on as you have made your peace with him ever since his untimely departure.
Time to get that little kid outta you asap, your courage will be very much needed when you send your kids to your in laws house....no bloody diversion is going to help you if you don't help yourself.
All The Best and KEEP THE WINDOWS OPEN........